Sorry about my little writers block. It wasn't all mental, I've been pretty sick this past week with a kidney infection...AWESOME.
In other news, I think I have a very serious problem...I am hopelessly cynical. I know this may seem like one of those "I hate life /slit wrists/ nobody loves me" entries with how I just started off, but I just want to explore something here...
What is happiness? Who can honestly tell me a time in their life where they have been consistently happy? I do not believe anyone is happy, just simply content with their life. But then again who is ever content with the way things are playing out for them? No matter what is good or bad in my life, I always find something to harp on. Something to complain about...oh, woe is me! College fucking sucks! Really, Cat, really? I can say with 100% confidence that I have never been consistently happy. Sure, I have had some of those euphoric moments...that kiss goodnight, that B+ midterm I thought I bombed, that delicious chicken and veggie combo I concocted for dinner...little things. But it is a bit depressing that such insignificant things in my life can bring me "happiness" if only for a second. Where is my hollywood romance? Where is my success story? Then again, would I really find happiness in the things society makes me believe I need to be happy? Does this make sense to anyone else? I do not want to fit in the cookie cutter. Because I know I cant, I wont. Thats just not me. I cant be "happy" when I don't even know what happiness is, when I don't even believe there is such an emotion...happiness is what hollywood sells to make the ending of a movie make the viewer "feel good" about life. Its an escape, and the cold hard reality is that happiness is actually contentness(shutup auto correct it IS a word). For those of you that know me on a more personal level, this blog may come as a bit of a shock. For those of you that dont, well, lets just say I have been the go-to girl for advice for a number of my friends and family. I have always done the routine "cheer up, things will get better!" or the typical "just look at the things going for you, and be thankful for what you DO have". This blog makes me feel a bit hypocritical, because the things I preach are the very things causing me so much confusion and cynicism. I cannot be a happy person. I can be content with my life, I can have joyous moments, but I do not want to jump on the MYLIFEISSOAMAZING bandwagon that seems to be rolling through town. Who can honestly say they are HAPPY? Who can tell me what happiness IS?
I have a really bad feeling I'm going to be that crazy workaholic cat lady 30 years from now with no husband. Did I mention that I'm very cynical about love and relationships as well? But thats another story.
I think its just this time of year. October through December seems to always bring me down a couple notches....
until tomorrow, readers.
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2 comments:
i can see you like those videos i showed you;)
Hello Catherine,
Thank you for stopping by my blog, Wixed Mords, and leaving some reading suggestions. We share a similar taste in literature, because several of those books I've already read (and loved). I adore Tom Robbins. I like him so much that it makes my husband jealous, ha ha.
Re: Happiness. I do not think that it's silly or pathetic that small things, such as a good night kiss or a well-cooked meal bring you joy. In fact, I think that is the secret that happy people know- happiness is simply the enjoyment, the embrace of life. Joy is found in big things, too - the birth of a child, a marriage, a promotion, a book deal- but it is the small joys that sustain us. You are right to savor these things. The trick is to look for them, to be aware of them, not to let them blossom unnoticed.
Peace.
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