You're just a kiss on the lips.

I felt like writing. I had a million things to talk about but now that I am attempting to get them all out it seems they all disappeared...



I watched a couple "documentaries" on TLC tonight. One tackled severe morbid obesity, the other polygamy. Both I watched in complete awe...It seemed unreal to me that a person could actually achieve a weight of well over 1000 pounds...however what really caught my attention was how nonchalant the women of the polygamist practice were about sharing their husband. One woman interviewed by the hostess explained that she didnt marry him for love--she married him because she "respected him" and he was a "really good friend". The then continued to explain that "true love" is completely false--that the idea of true love is an illusion the "normal people" experience to make them feel better about their lives and their partners...whaaaaaaa? She had explained that "love" is fleeting--that the feelings of love are based solely on "lust" and the spark of something new...what is left after that spark dies off? nothing, therefore it is better to marry someone you respect as a person and a friend who you dont have that lust or desire for to begin with. It made me laugh a little, to think that someone out there would sacrifice true love simply because it seemed like "too much work to sustain" after the spark dies...




love.






I feel weird saying that word. I wish I could define it, but I doubt I would do it any justice. Yeah, I have said it, when I felt like I knew what it meant. But I have come to realize that it has a different meaning for every person...who has the right to confine it to one definition? Who are you to tell someone what it feels like to love someone else?



Im talking romantic love, here. Not the "ohhh mommy I love you" love or the "wow i am in love with those shoes" love....im talking a love like in The Notebook love....Pretty Woman... HOLLYWOOD, BABY!


lets be real here...im talking about the love I see between my mom and my stepdad.





or the love you see in a couple thats celebrating their 60 year anniversary and are happier than ever.





I want that. Maybe not now, maybe not for awhile...but I do believe its out there for everyone...






patience is obviously a virtue I need to work on.

Happiness is an ideal, not an emotion

Sorry about my little writers block. It wasn't all mental, I've been pretty sick this past week with a kidney infection...AWESOME.


In other news, I think I have a very serious problem...I am hopelessly cynical. I know this may seem like one of those "I hate life /slit wrists/ nobody loves me" entries with how I just started off, but I just want to explore something here...

What is happiness? Who can honestly tell me a time in their life where they have been consistently happy? I do not believe anyone is happy, just simply content with their life. But then again who is ever content with the way things are playing out for them? No matter what is good or bad in my life, I always find something to harp on. Something to complain about...oh, woe is me! College fucking sucks! Really, Cat, really? I can say with 100% confidence that I have never been consistently happy. Sure, I have had some of those euphoric moments...that kiss goodnight, that B+ midterm I thought I bombed, that delicious chicken and veggie combo I concocted for dinner...little things. But it is a bit depressing that such insignificant things in my life can bring me "happiness" if only for a second. Where is my hollywood romance? Where is my success story? Then again, would I really find happiness in the things society makes me believe I need to be happy? Does this make sense to anyone else? I do not want to fit in the cookie cutter. Because I know I cant, I wont. Thats just not me. I cant be "happy" when I don't even know what happiness is, when I don't even believe there is such an emotion...happiness is what hollywood sells to make the ending of a movie make the viewer "feel good" about life. Its an escape, and the cold hard reality is that happiness is actually contentness(shutup auto correct it IS a word). For those of you that know me on a more personal level, this blog may come as a bit of a shock. For those of you that dont, well, lets just say I have been the go-to girl for advice for a number of my friends and family. I have always done the routine "cheer up, things will get better!" or the typical "just look at the things going for you, and be thankful for what you DO have". This blog makes me feel a bit hypocritical, because the things I preach are the very things causing me so much confusion and cynicism. I cannot be a happy person. I can be content with my life, I can have joyous moments, but I do not want to jump on the MYLIFEISSOAMAZING bandwagon that seems to be rolling through town. Who can honestly say they are HAPPY? Who can tell me what happiness IS?



I have a really bad feeling I'm going to be that crazy workaholic cat lady 30 years from now with no husband. Did I mention that I'm very cynical about love and relationships as well? But thats another story.





I think its just this time of year. October through December seems to always bring me down a couple notches....





until tomorrow, readers.