Just breathe.

3 AM, what should i write about?


Today was one of the worst days i have had in a long time. It got better near the end, of course, but up until about 8 pm it was overwhelming. Things seem to be falling apart all around me. Ive never felt this far under the surface...never felt i was this deep in the tunnel, almost too far to even see the light. But i force myself to, what else can you do? What else can I do...im in this beautiful city and 90% of the people i love and care about are back home in Riverside...when i cry, i cry with the realization that no one is going to come give me a hug. My roommates would, of course, but they have classes too...and lives...its just very depressing when you get so upset and you cant just call up your best friend for an emergency get together...i have grown a lot in the past month, and i truly believe that if all the things happening now instead happened last year, i wouldve been a goner. Gone of the deep end...broken down. I have met, and "re-met", so many influential people this new semester...they are my inspiration to be strong and better myself through experiences such as these. A very wise friend of mine once told me that "you will have no gain from something that is easy--sometimes you have to experience the difficult stuff to really grow" and he is absolutely right. It is difficult, this is difficult. But i am growing. My eyes are open. I am impressionable. Absorbent like a sponge to soak up everything i possibly can about this city and the beautiful life im experiencing while in it...when it all comes down to it, life is way too short to dwell. Youll never know where youre going if youre turned around looking at the past...look towards the future. Take these difficult times, these difficult situations and grow from them. Learn everything you can, while you can....while youre still alive to experience this life you were so fortunate to be blessed with....goodnight faithful readers, until tomorrow:)

Spill.

so i'm just a medicine
you take when you're sick
you get well and that's it
i'm put back
on the shelf in your mirror
and it isn't exeptional
the course of our fate
cuz people love and they hate
and i guess
it's just our turn to hate.
yeah you were just some song i wrote
a poem on a page
a sculpture i made
out of clay -
desire was the flame.
but now you're a tube of lipgloss
girls just pass you around
take you out for a night on the town
and kiss strangers
then get to gossip about it later
and you think i'm an bitch now
well you're probably right
but at least i'm not blind to the facts
i've been wishing were lies.
but still i hope you get everything
that you care to possess
and unbelievable sex
with her
or any one of her friends.
but just don't ask about my appetite
i didn't lose it tonight
it's been gone half my life....

The biggest lie

I'm trying to look at the big picture. I'm trying to smile and be happy. I'm trying to do everything thats been expected of me. I know im not being fair. I am a selfish person when it comes to some things, as is everyone at one point or another in their life...and i can scream at the top of my lungs but youll never hear me. Youll never look, youll never listen. Youll never take precious time out of your day and thats your loss....thats on you. Ive given my all. Ive wasted my precious time and my precious energy and my precious fucking self-respect. I am too strong and there is no excuse for me to be like this...im done.


The problem with me is that i think too much
relying on this pen and this ink too much...
and I do too much - I'm always on tour
accumulating points, till I forgot about the score
And the problem with you is you don't think it all
your brains deadweight so you sink and you fall
you drink and you smoke till your motivation's gone
and you know this is true so you hate this song...

The problem with me is co-dependency
so afraid of the day that you won't remember me
knee deep in anxiousness, needy like an infant
escapism, beats, rhymes, alcohol & women

the problem with you - you let yourself stop believing
and now you're afraid of your own thoughts and feelings
forgot how to share what I love most about you...
lost your voice - now no choice but to doubt you

Now the problem with the world? ...the lack of respect
for our earth, for our children - for the future we neglect
for the morals, for the values, for the god that we select
millions die everyday without a cause to affect

The problem with the revolution? ...it's never gonna happen
through these marches, through this music, through these motherfuckers rappin'
through these communists, these socialists or any other faction
armchair activist - all talk no action...

The problem with the people that I stay surrounded with?
...they all wanna replace faith with a psychologist
bring the evolution, whether thinkin it's pollution
when they're swallowing the balance, and they're drinking the solutions

The problem with the people that I won't stand next to?
...they don't hear the songs that we sing for the rescue
the keys of life - the basslines of sadness
so people that don't have - reach out and grab it

The problem with hiphop? ...shit nothing at all
it's an artform that ranges and it changes it evolves
it's not always for the better, but patient with it ya'll
for our time will come and the wicked will fall
The problem with this song,
is it's not long enough to say
how fucked up it is that we living this way
nothing is alright ...but everything is okay
so we plan for tomorrow but we live for today

The problem with sex is self respect - calibration
the orgasm serves as your validation...
and the problem with love, is that it lives in a book now
the problem with drugs is that theyre too fucking good now
the problem with logic is theres too many loopholes
and the problem with truth is that it's usually brutal
the problem is I can't trust most of what I see
so Fuck it! ...all the problems of life must be me!


When they said this world was ours
Felt like we got body and soul
they think they had a cure for pain
...Biggest lie they ever told


-Felt

Let's make time work for us.

Apology letter count: 3. Its amazing how that works. Not complaining, the timing is just a bit odd....but appreciated none the less. Once again i am up in front of this computer screen writing all about nothing.




7 hours and 58 minutes.











worth it.

Lookin' at your face like i'll be tested on it later...

Today i found myself almost in tears. Tears of sadness, tears of frustration. Have you ever had one of those days where nothing, and i mean nothing, in your closet fits you right? Youre either uncomfortable or it looks funny for one reason or another...yeah, i have had about six in a row. Right now youre probably thinking "wow, this girl is really vain" and youre absolutely right, i am vain. I am as vain as any other girl who looks in the mirror in the morning before leaving the house. I guarantee you i am not the only one who takes time to do my makeup or dry my hair...we are all equally guilty of this obsession over our personal appearance, and any woman who tries to deny this little act of human nature just doesnt want to admit to it. It kills me to be this way, it makes me so angry that i care so much. I know im not overweight, i know im not fugly, so why am i making such a big deal out of it? Good question...when i feel like i dont look presentable, i am not the same person. My self-confidence drops tenfold, im uncomfortable, irritated, and grumpy. I dont mean to act this way, i just feel shitty because i feel like i look shitty...its just how it works with me. But then this takes me to the question....WHY do i feel this way? Why do i feel like i have to look flawless to be attractive?


Its a question i have yet to find the answer to.







goodnight.

capture this feeling.

Hold it tight and never let it go...here it goes....spilling out of every nook and cranny of my physically exhausted self. Human being? I am a human becoming. Becoming someone and something i have strived these past few years to transform myself into. I am everything i think you need. I think you desire. Some of the most childish dreams consist of one day being desired. Not by one, by all. Being on that pedestal that is said to hold perfection. But what defines perfection? Could it be the geometry of ones face or the angles of ones opinions? Maybe the volume of ones heart..all three wrapped into one? Could this possibly exist in someone, something? Anything at all? Is perfection such a necessity in our lives we are constantly reaching out for it, while smashing others into the ground who do not seem to uphold our ridiculously high standards? I am not a perfect human being. I can say that with confidence and without shame. Now i see. I once wished to be that perfection you needed so desperately, but now i realize i will never live up to that standard. I am finally coming to terms with it. Because i now truly believe that i am something unique, something special with certain attributes that could be described as perfect--not to the world, parse, but to someone special enough to recognize that i am a great woman with a damn good heart. Someone that sees me, every little part of me, as perfect, even if he is the only one that thinks so. Someone to know every character flaw, every little detail of who i am as a woman, as a human being and still desire me, everything about me, even if its not all to the standards of society's definition of perfection. Bits and parts of me are not removable. I am one person, one woman. Take it all or leave with nothing.


so, whats it gonna be?