The only constant is change

My names Cat. 19 years young with a lot more life experience than most could imagine. I've been up at SFSU for the past two years, double majoring in International Relations and Journalism, minoring in photography...but that may change soon. I have tattoos, 00 gages in my ears, and ride street bikes. If you don't like it, keep it to yourself. I'll drive only stick, so I drive way too fast. I have zero tolerance for bad/stupid drivers, and am not afraid to roll my window down and yell a few obscenities at them. I turn my system up LOUD, strictly reggae hip hop or some experimental shit. I usually sing along and dance. Once again, if you don't like it, don't ride with me. I love the beach, but my favorite season is fall. My favorite holiday is Halloween, and am proud to say my costumes have yet to be slutty. I'm not one to deal with bullshit drama, and do my best to detach myself from anyone that has it. I am not in a sorority, which seems to be the "new hip thing" in college, so please...don't ask me why not, and don't ask me to join. I love to explore, travel, and try new things. I'm pretty much down for anything--from big parties to kickbacks to movie nights at home. I have a small circle of people I trust in general, and an even smaller circle of people I would trust with my life. Shit happens? I forgive but I never forget, so don't expect things to return to normal. I do not believe in God, and despise any type of organized religion. If anything, I relate most with the Taoist tradition...so, if you're respectful of my beliefs and opinions, I will be respectful of yours. I prefer beer and wine to hard alcohol, and smoke cigarettes on occasion. I believe I am a very open and accepting person, and love to make new friends. I rarely get upset about something unless its something big. I stay up late and sleep in late. I love roller coasters. I am simply a romantic, because there is nothing hopeless about me. Very few people can influence my decision to do something, because I am a firm believer that you should live your life the way you want to, and do whatever is in your best interest. Right now you may be saying "wow, Cat must live a pretty fun and crazy life" and youre right, I do. Because I know that one day, I am going to have a near-death experience and my life is going to flash before my eyes....



I guess I just want to make sure its worth watching.

Losing my appetite.

it could have been anyone else...




why her?






Have you ever been kicked in the stomach before? Playing water polo has set me up for many "kick offs" planted directly into mine. You get dizzy, you cant breathe, and you feel like curling up into the fetal position. However while all of these things are going through your mind, you also have to remember youre in 12ft of water, so you have to stay up and suck it up so you dont drown.





I cant breathe. Curled up in the fetal position, i am not in a pool this time.







Yet I still must struggle to keep my head above the water.

For all the rice in China...

How do I even begin?


I will not go into details about last night. I will not harp on the things that happened last night. I cannot even wrap my mind around what happened last night.


No...please dont, no, i cant...no, i have to leave...see ya....


I feel so. Violated. So taken for granted I just want to sit in a corner and cry. You think you know someone, you think theyre your good friend and they turn around and show you a whole different side.


I felt like running. I walked, calmly, out into the hallway...i broke down. I cant...i cant understand how someone that seems so nice and....ugh. I dont understand.




he was drunk, he was high, but what the fuck was he thinking?




I was strong in this situation. I kept my composure and talked my way out the door.




never again.

You're just a kiss on the lips.

I felt like writing. I had a million things to talk about but now that I am attempting to get them all out it seems they all disappeared...



I watched a couple "documentaries" on TLC tonight. One tackled severe morbid obesity, the other polygamy. Both I watched in complete awe...It seemed unreal to me that a person could actually achieve a weight of well over 1000 pounds...however what really caught my attention was how nonchalant the women of the polygamist practice were about sharing their husband. One woman interviewed by the hostess explained that she didnt marry him for love--she married him because she "respected him" and he was a "really good friend". The then continued to explain that "true love" is completely false--that the idea of true love is an illusion the "normal people" experience to make them feel better about their lives and their partners...whaaaaaaa? She had explained that "love" is fleeting--that the feelings of love are based solely on "lust" and the spark of something new...what is left after that spark dies off? nothing, therefore it is better to marry someone you respect as a person and a friend who you dont have that lust or desire for to begin with. It made me laugh a little, to think that someone out there would sacrifice true love simply because it seemed like "too much work to sustain" after the spark dies...




love.






I feel weird saying that word. I wish I could define it, but I doubt I would do it any justice. Yeah, I have said it, when I felt like I knew what it meant. But I have come to realize that it has a different meaning for every person...who has the right to confine it to one definition? Who are you to tell someone what it feels like to love someone else?



Im talking romantic love, here. Not the "ohhh mommy I love you" love or the "wow i am in love with those shoes" love....im talking a love like in The Notebook love....Pretty Woman... HOLLYWOOD, BABY!


lets be real here...im talking about the love I see between my mom and my stepdad.





or the love you see in a couple thats celebrating their 60 year anniversary and are happier than ever.





I want that. Maybe not now, maybe not for awhile...but I do believe its out there for everyone...






patience is obviously a virtue I need to work on.

Happiness is an ideal, not an emotion

Sorry about my little writers block. It wasn't all mental, I've been pretty sick this past week with a kidney infection...AWESOME.


In other news, I think I have a very serious problem...I am hopelessly cynical. I know this may seem like one of those "I hate life /slit wrists/ nobody loves me" entries with how I just started off, but I just want to explore something here...

What is happiness? Who can honestly tell me a time in their life where they have been consistently happy? I do not believe anyone is happy, just simply content with their life. But then again who is ever content with the way things are playing out for them? No matter what is good or bad in my life, I always find something to harp on. Something to complain about...oh, woe is me! College fucking sucks! Really, Cat, really? I can say with 100% confidence that I have never been consistently happy. Sure, I have had some of those euphoric moments...that kiss goodnight, that B+ midterm I thought I bombed, that delicious chicken and veggie combo I concocted for dinner...little things. But it is a bit depressing that such insignificant things in my life can bring me "happiness" if only for a second. Where is my hollywood romance? Where is my success story? Then again, would I really find happiness in the things society makes me believe I need to be happy? Does this make sense to anyone else? I do not want to fit in the cookie cutter. Because I know I cant, I wont. Thats just not me. I cant be "happy" when I don't even know what happiness is, when I don't even believe there is such an emotion...happiness is what hollywood sells to make the ending of a movie make the viewer "feel good" about life. Its an escape, and the cold hard reality is that happiness is actually contentness(shutup auto correct it IS a word). For those of you that know me on a more personal level, this blog may come as a bit of a shock. For those of you that dont, well, lets just say I have been the go-to girl for advice for a number of my friends and family. I have always done the routine "cheer up, things will get better!" or the typical "just look at the things going for you, and be thankful for what you DO have". This blog makes me feel a bit hypocritical, because the things I preach are the very things causing me so much confusion and cynicism. I cannot be a happy person. I can be content with my life, I can have joyous moments, but I do not want to jump on the MYLIFEISSOAMAZING bandwagon that seems to be rolling through town. Who can honestly say they are HAPPY? Who can tell me what happiness IS?



I have a really bad feeling I'm going to be that crazy workaholic cat lady 30 years from now with no husband. Did I mention that I'm very cynical about love and relationships as well? But thats another story.





I think its just this time of year. October through December seems to always bring me down a couple notches....





until tomorrow, readers.

We'​ve got the visio​n,​ now let'​s have some fun.

Tonight was really, really nice.

For those of you unaware, i have a stepsister. A 27 year old, fun as hell stepsister in San Francisco, who i havent really been able to see or hang out with. So tonight we went out for some Thai at Sri. It was really good, talked about a lot of things and just had a really good time. She came up and met the roommates, talked for a bit then went on her way. Already weve planned a mess of things--road trips, taco tuesday excursions, and friday night bar hopping. I guess im just really excited to be able to finally develop a friendship with her. I mean we are sisters, but shes a lot older, so shes been around the country setting up her life and getting her shit done, and weve never had that bonding time. Ive always wanted a sister, always wanted that connection...shes such a big inspiration to me...law school grad, vegetarian, fun and funny as hell. Like ive stated a million times already, im really really excited that things are finally moving along with us, that were finally doing things stepsisters, friends, would do. I cant wait.



I feel refreshed, i feel like things are finally looking up for me...not only because of tonight, there has been a lot of things that seem to finally be going my way...things are a-changin'.






you dig?

i swear...

next time that bitch in bio looks at me cross-eyed or says another word to me....oooh, its on.

Do you know how to read between the lines?

An astronomy test is looming closer and closer while my eyelids become heavier...i really need a nap, but i also really need to study. Wish these were the only things on my mind. Laundry, unpacking, room cleaning, work situation, male situation. SO MANY SITUATIONS. Im tired of feeling like the gum stuck on the sole of your shoe, its as simple as that.





dont worry, ill scrape myself off.

The waiting game.

so you expect me to stand aside



and watch whats going on, fully aware



that im the one who will be hurting in the end



dont be to certain




ill stay for the finale




its just so painfully obvious whos going to win.



who has won.




i gave it my all,
my best shot,
all i get is a kiss goodnight.






goodbye.

Jasmine Green tea and Drunken nights on Haight.

Now, where to begin? Recently, i have ben most bothered with the idea that everyone is selfish. Every human being on this earth is so self absorbed and SELF CENTERED. What is this word coming to? When did you last meet someone who would do a good deed or volunteer solely out of the goodness of their heart? Unfortunately, self gratification is something people these days strive for. THEY HELP OTHERS TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES. Reality check, anyone?

and...

what is justice? The definition has been analyzed, picked apart and fucking destroyed by my philosophy professor. And it keeps me thinking....what makes good GOOD? Can you think a person can live unjust and still be content and happy? Or, speaking platonically, is it always better to just be "good"? if so, why? I guess these are the questions that keep me up until 7 in the morning. These are the questions i try and explore every single day...



On to more um, teenager stuff.



Why does every guy i talk to at a party think i automatically want to jump into bed with them? Cocky? Maybe. Drunk? Definitely.

the part i love most is their faces when i turn them down. CLASSIC! Just because im talking to you and being nice doesnt mean i want something from you...silly boys....where are all of the MEN in this damn city?




im a bit drunk, yes. But youdve never guessed by reading this huh? Im an excellent typer. As for the boys? fuck em. As for gossip and drama? Fuck it. As for the fact that i have to do laundry tomorrow? FUCK.




until tomorrow, goodnight my dedicated readers. Love, love, love.

Just breathe.

3 AM, what should i write about?


Today was one of the worst days i have had in a long time. It got better near the end, of course, but up until about 8 pm it was overwhelming. Things seem to be falling apart all around me. Ive never felt this far under the surface...never felt i was this deep in the tunnel, almost too far to even see the light. But i force myself to, what else can you do? What else can I do...im in this beautiful city and 90% of the people i love and care about are back home in Riverside...when i cry, i cry with the realization that no one is going to come give me a hug. My roommates would, of course, but they have classes too...and lives...its just very depressing when you get so upset and you cant just call up your best friend for an emergency get together...i have grown a lot in the past month, and i truly believe that if all the things happening now instead happened last year, i wouldve been a goner. Gone of the deep end...broken down. I have met, and "re-met", so many influential people this new semester...they are my inspiration to be strong and better myself through experiences such as these. A very wise friend of mine once told me that "you will have no gain from something that is easy--sometimes you have to experience the difficult stuff to really grow" and he is absolutely right. It is difficult, this is difficult. But i am growing. My eyes are open. I am impressionable. Absorbent like a sponge to soak up everything i possibly can about this city and the beautiful life im experiencing while in it...when it all comes down to it, life is way too short to dwell. Youll never know where youre going if youre turned around looking at the past...look towards the future. Take these difficult times, these difficult situations and grow from them. Learn everything you can, while you can....while youre still alive to experience this life you were so fortunate to be blessed with....goodnight faithful readers, until tomorrow:)

Spill.

so i'm just a medicine
you take when you're sick
you get well and that's it
i'm put back
on the shelf in your mirror
and it isn't exeptional
the course of our fate
cuz people love and they hate
and i guess
it's just our turn to hate.
yeah you were just some song i wrote
a poem on a page
a sculpture i made
out of clay -
desire was the flame.
but now you're a tube of lipgloss
girls just pass you around
take you out for a night on the town
and kiss strangers
then get to gossip about it later
and you think i'm an bitch now
well you're probably right
but at least i'm not blind to the facts
i've been wishing were lies.
but still i hope you get everything
that you care to possess
and unbelievable sex
with her
or any one of her friends.
but just don't ask about my appetite
i didn't lose it tonight
it's been gone half my life....

The biggest lie

I'm trying to look at the big picture. I'm trying to smile and be happy. I'm trying to do everything thats been expected of me. I know im not being fair. I am a selfish person when it comes to some things, as is everyone at one point or another in their life...and i can scream at the top of my lungs but youll never hear me. Youll never look, youll never listen. Youll never take precious time out of your day and thats your loss....thats on you. Ive given my all. Ive wasted my precious time and my precious energy and my precious fucking self-respect. I am too strong and there is no excuse for me to be like this...im done.


The problem with me is that i think too much
relying on this pen and this ink too much...
and I do too much - I'm always on tour
accumulating points, till I forgot about the score
And the problem with you is you don't think it all
your brains deadweight so you sink and you fall
you drink and you smoke till your motivation's gone
and you know this is true so you hate this song...

The problem with me is co-dependency
so afraid of the day that you won't remember me
knee deep in anxiousness, needy like an infant
escapism, beats, rhymes, alcohol & women

the problem with you - you let yourself stop believing
and now you're afraid of your own thoughts and feelings
forgot how to share what I love most about you...
lost your voice - now no choice but to doubt you

Now the problem with the world? ...the lack of respect
for our earth, for our children - for the future we neglect
for the morals, for the values, for the god that we select
millions die everyday without a cause to affect

The problem with the revolution? ...it's never gonna happen
through these marches, through this music, through these motherfuckers rappin'
through these communists, these socialists or any other faction
armchair activist - all talk no action...

The problem with the people that I stay surrounded with?
...they all wanna replace faith with a psychologist
bring the evolution, whether thinkin it's pollution
when they're swallowing the balance, and they're drinking the solutions

The problem with the people that I won't stand next to?
...they don't hear the songs that we sing for the rescue
the keys of life - the basslines of sadness
so people that don't have - reach out and grab it

The problem with hiphop? ...shit nothing at all
it's an artform that ranges and it changes it evolves
it's not always for the better, but patient with it ya'll
for our time will come and the wicked will fall
The problem with this song,
is it's not long enough to say
how fucked up it is that we living this way
nothing is alright ...but everything is okay
so we plan for tomorrow but we live for today

The problem with sex is self respect - calibration
the orgasm serves as your validation...
and the problem with love, is that it lives in a book now
the problem with drugs is that theyre too fucking good now
the problem with logic is theres too many loopholes
and the problem with truth is that it's usually brutal
the problem is I can't trust most of what I see
so Fuck it! ...all the problems of life must be me!


When they said this world was ours
Felt like we got body and soul
they think they had a cure for pain
...Biggest lie they ever told


-Felt

Let's make time work for us.

Apology letter count: 3. Its amazing how that works. Not complaining, the timing is just a bit odd....but appreciated none the less. Once again i am up in front of this computer screen writing all about nothing.




7 hours and 58 minutes.











worth it.

Lookin' at your face like i'll be tested on it later...

Today i found myself almost in tears. Tears of sadness, tears of frustration. Have you ever had one of those days where nothing, and i mean nothing, in your closet fits you right? Youre either uncomfortable or it looks funny for one reason or another...yeah, i have had about six in a row. Right now youre probably thinking "wow, this girl is really vain" and youre absolutely right, i am vain. I am as vain as any other girl who looks in the mirror in the morning before leaving the house. I guarantee you i am not the only one who takes time to do my makeup or dry my hair...we are all equally guilty of this obsession over our personal appearance, and any woman who tries to deny this little act of human nature just doesnt want to admit to it. It kills me to be this way, it makes me so angry that i care so much. I know im not overweight, i know im not fugly, so why am i making such a big deal out of it? Good question...when i feel like i dont look presentable, i am not the same person. My self-confidence drops tenfold, im uncomfortable, irritated, and grumpy. I dont mean to act this way, i just feel shitty because i feel like i look shitty...its just how it works with me. But then this takes me to the question....WHY do i feel this way? Why do i feel like i have to look flawless to be attractive?


Its a question i have yet to find the answer to.







goodnight.

capture this feeling.

Hold it tight and never let it go...here it goes....spilling out of every nook and cranny of my physically exhausted self. Human being? I am a human becoming. Becoming someone and something i have strived these past few years to transform myself into. I am everything i think you need. I think you desire. Some of the most childish dreams consist of one day being desired. Not by one, by all. Being on that pedestal that is said to hold perfection. But what defines perfection? Could it be the geometry of ones face or the angles of ones opinions? Maybe the volume of ones heart..all three wrapped into one? Could this possibly exist in someone, something? Anything at all? Is perfection such a necessity in our lives we are constantly reaching out for it, while smashing others into the ground who do not seem to uphold our ridiculously high standards? I am not a perfect human being. I can say that with confidence and without shame. Now i see. I once wished to be that perfection you needed so desperately, but now i realize i will never live up to that standard. I am finally coming to terms with it. Because i now truly believe that i am something unique, something special with certain attributes that could be described as perfect--not to the world, parse, but to someone special enough to recognize that i am a great woman with a damn good heart. Someone that sees me, every little part of me, as perfect, even if he is the only one that thinks so. Someone to know every character flaw, every little detail of who i am as a woman, as a human being and still desire me, everything about me, even if its not all to the standards of society's definition of perfection. Bits and parts of me are not removable. I am one person, one woman. Take it all or leave with nothing.


so, whats it gonna be?