And the coastline is quiet, while we're quietly losing control...

Two official days as a new employee...so far, so good. Im very, VERY optimistic about this job...these new developments in my life..ive never felt so..grounded. and so sure of what I want to work towards...In one short month I was able to push myself to give everything 110%. I know what I want. I know exactly what I want...by the way, look what I found today on my lunch break...

coincidence? haha.

//warning.... this parts a little mushy, but fuck it...read on if you dare:)

anyway. I miss Ryan. I cannot believe how much closer we have been able to get...its like we finally have solid plans to do things....to spend the rest of our lives together...to move in with each other and live in San Diego while we both finish our school...its so perfect in so many ways. He is perfect in so many ways...

in all honesty, I feel bad that some people never get to experience this kind of love for themselves..they shrug it off as another part of a fairytale they were told as kids...at least my prince charming was real:) I cant believe how far we've come together I love you so much.

as for everyone who didnt think we could do it, or didnt approve? fuck you ;)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said...
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous...

So deep, it'll make puddles envious...

It's raining, it's pouring...

Back in my hometown, Riverside. Unfortunately my internet connection at home doesnt allow me to do much of anything--forcing me to take refuge in a starbucks full of regulars. Ive never felt so out of place...at the same time bracing myself for the inevitable run-in with a long lost friend. This is kind of stressing me out.

in other news...

according to David, people whose laptop keyboards stick are "ignorant", and naive to the fact that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them.

...reminds me of the many reasons why I moved 500 miles away in the first place...

mom had friends over last night from work--lots of old faces i havent seen since she retired...we sat around, drank wine and made pinecone ski-ing snowmen. Nikki came over and I got stuck babysitting her for the next few hours...that girl makes birth control seem obsolete...spend a few hours with her and youre gonna make damn sure your vah-jay has a security system that rivals the one in place at Fort Knox.

Phil and Laura came over after their dinner, and we celebrated Lauras birthday with amazingly delicious cupcakes and a half-assed birthday jingle. David then decides that I am too incapacitated to drive to Ryans afterwards (I had three glasses of wine in a 5 hour period) and forbids me to leave.

I then proceeded to use my uncles status of law enforcement in my favor by asking him to give me a sobriety test....

passed with flying fucking colors. Booya.


but in all seriousness...10 hours of driving in the pouring rain for this? At least Ryan had some new recordings to show me when I got over there...

Since the man cant keep a secret for the life of him when it regards gifts, he spilled the beans that he was refurbishing/customizing his first guitar to give to me so I would have an acoustic to practice on...then he goes on to tell me that he needs me as a backup singer for one of his songs...this oughta be good...

The sun just came out. Its so beautiful outside at this moment...why am I still at starbucks? until next time, faithful readers...well, whoever actually reads this anymore. love, love, love.

So, we meet again.

For once in my life...I don't feel horrible. For once, I am not the one to blame. I did the right thing, I did the noble thing. No matter how difficult it seemed, I knew it had to happen. I knew that waiting would only make it worse. I'm sorry. If this is going to benefit you in any way then please, by all means, milk it for all its worth. I am OKAY with whatever it is you need to do to despise me...i can pretend like I deserve it. for you.


So you tried to put a fire out
But you used gasoline
And when the congregation gathered round
Your screaming "it wasn't me"
So there's a sickness that is going round
But no one's got a vaccine
I think it drowned in holy water
I think its time we all come clean

I swear it's like dying
To catch a ghost
It feels like I'm trying
To hold smoke

When the army had to hold the line
Well you were nowhere near the front
Before the kids told their dog "get back"
Well you were loading up your gun
I wanna I've left the great divide
I wanna know what I've become
You think that no one else is lonesome
You think that your the only one

It feels like I'm jumping towards a train

Well I'm trying to find a way.

drinking alphabetically

It never ceases to amaze me how some things so insignificant and petty can make you feel like complete shit.

Tonight was a very...interesting night. Party #1, skanks talkin shit. Party #2, creepers talkin game. Party #3 people not talkin. Now, as the designated driver of tonight I was able to witness some very drunk, very stupid behavior. I was able to keep up with my girls however, and have lots of fun observing. Watched cloverfield. Realized that everyone from back home is completely disconnected from me. That came out of left field, didnt it? Guess I just feel like spilling into this lame little text box at 4 am...my "best friends" are now people I talk to on occasion. Best friend acquaintances, if I may. It seems as if nothing in Riverside is still attached to me, my heart. I feel so displaced from everything and so detached I dont even want to come home. I dont even want to visit. Im almost sure my mom is the only one that seems to be missing me. Sad reality, but like I said I have had a lot of time to think tonight. Drove Savs car for a bit and just listened to some music. It was raining. I love that combination. Drivers side window down. I havent cried in such a long time it almost feels overdue...like when you just hold everything in and bottle it up and stay busy to keep your mind from straying away and letting your emotions catch up to you. I dont know. I feel like...i should be crying? But im not? I have such wonderful and supportive friends up here, and have never felt so in tune with any group of girls. Its amazing to me that this has happened in such a short period of time after meeting them...theyre exactly like me, and I them. They have been the reason why I havent been crying, why I havent been moping around and fucking up in school. Why I havent been locked up in my room and why I havent developed lung cancer. We have more quotes and sayings than any other group on campus. Hell, we even have a couple of theme songs. Were kind of a big deal, people know us....HA. People dont forget. Im getting loopy now because im over talking about shit that doesnt matter. Why am I even stressing out about this? Good question.



uhhhhh. SMELL YA